It’s a very worn out cliche but still rings true “you can pick your friends but not your family”. A shame that, as I’ve always found family members who could easily be dropped from the rotation – you know who you are.
Still, picking your friends doesn’t mean having to keep them for life, especially the dud ones that burn you one too many times. So here’s my shortlist of times when culling someone is required.
1) They are so incredibly opinionated and have never listened to anything you’ve ever said. This is often referred to as “my opinion is always the right one and I’m only interested in yours if it completely complies with mine”.
2) When you get together with your other friends to rant and back stab a particular shared friend that you collective despise. Discussions normally sound like “I seriously hate that so much, should we organise to have her brutally murdered”
3) When their agenda dominates everyone elses. Ditch someone who utters completely self absorbed bullshit like “Look I’m happy to meet up but only if I can get back by 8pm to do whatever, so like maybe we can all meet for dinner at say 4pm to accommodate me and my important life”.
4) When you spend time with this person and all you can do is imagine ways to brutalise them in the most heinous ways imaginable.
5) When you intentionally try to get into arguments, even for beliefs or opinions that you don’t truly believe in just so that you can disagree with them and hopefully make them cry.
6) When you start to actually visualise someone as incredibly malformed or disfigured because of your hatred. This means that you’re projecting your such ill feelings toward a particular person that you can actually change how you perceive them physically. Powerful.
7) If you’re say walking down say a narrow hallway and you don’t make the effort to move aside, colliding into them intentionally with your true intent to inflict harm. Once you want to actually hurt someone, I’d suggest the friendship is already over.
8) If you’ve thought about visiting their home to conduct a campaign of vandalism – burning hedges, spray painting their car, setting their house on fire etc etc
9) If you’re invited to the same event by mutual friends and can’t even be bothered coming up with an excuse not to go.. so you say things like “I’d really love to come but seriously, I seriously hate that , I’ll end up making a scene or something involving great violence”
10) When you’ve completely forgotten the reason that you became friends in the first place and think to yourself.. was I that desperate or just stupid to want to spend time with this incredibly obnoxious, overbearing and physically diminutive individual?