Minister Of Population Control

Yale University Archives
Click - Boom

I used to have this ongoing desire (no, no, it’s not going to be one of those blogs.. we don’t really know each other that well yet) about being responsible for determining who on this planet is worthy to live and the countless others that are not. I alone would be judge and executioner and my decision-making would not be questioned. Naturally due to my unmatched ability to judge character, I’d like to think I’m the best candidate to take on this role.

Anyway, the way this would work is simple. Every person on the planet is outfitted with an internal explosive device, you know a bit like that movie “The Running Man” where they put explosive collars around the necks of prisoners to demotivate them to escape. Then I and I alone, would have a small hand-held detonator with a big red button on it and.. I think you get the idea.

Then I put myself in various situations where I’d be forced to decide the fate of people (mostly strangers) that would cross my path. For example, I’d be driving to the MPC (Ministry of Population Control), some butthole would cut me off for no reason, flip my off and drive away. Click – boom! Simple, he/she doesn’t get to cut off anyone else and is removed from the roads permanently. No foul.

Here are examples where I feel I could really exercise population minimisation effectively (note the below have happened to me and I really wish I a had my detonator thingy with me).

I was on a standing in a crowded train and there was a suit wearing asshole seated in a seat reserved for disabled/old people. Then this heavily pregnant woman gets on is forced to stand, in front of this guy. He does this thing where I know he’s pretending he doesn’t see her and closes his eyes like he’s going to sleep. I couldn’t handle it, went up to him, kicked his bag (which was on the ground) waking him up and said “hey, fucko, get up and give the lady your seat – what’s wrong with you”. Shamed and after giving me a dirty look, he says to the pregnant lady “oh oh umm, I’m really sorry I didn’t see you there”. Boom!!

While waiting for a friend in a busy street, this long stranger comes up to me and asks if I know Jesus. I politely tell him I’ve heard of him but seriously not interested. He continues to talk regardless, notices that I”m wearing a Metallica “Kill ‘Em All” t-shirt, start getting preachy about how heavy metal is Satan’s way of blah blah. Politely again I say I’m not interested and walk away, this fucker then starts to follow me and starts shouting some bible verse about Satan and temptation or something. I say, dude seriously leave me alone, I don’t want to talk to you but he still follows me. Now I’m thinking, if he really is one of god’s children and I hurt this person, will I get into trouble. Eventually he found a group of overseas student to annoy and left me alone. Boom!

And a shortlist of others for detonation: Feng Shui consultants that destroy the value of your home, guys who don’t like sport, Celine Dion, Hyundai owners, anyone that uses national pride as a reason to be a complete racist etc Boom etc Boom.

.. and especially any delusional fucker that thinks that the recent Japan earthquake was payback for WW2. Read below this most excellent blog from EloquentBlathers.

The formula of determining the right to life is very straightforward “Individual Removed = World Is A Better Place, therefore Delete.”

So when it’s time to elect your local Minister for Population Control… I’d love your vote!

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4 thoughts on “Minister Of Population Control

    • Excellent I like scaring people. Note, I doubt you’ll find your way to my shitlist, your blog’s too good. Maybe you can help me with a shortlist of candidates for removal.

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