Dumb Places Dumb People Take You

Keep dogs on leash
Boyfriend on leash

Have you even been to an apple festival? Wow, you’ve not lived or actually you probably have lived and the it’s human fodder that are attending such a mindless, pointless and tragic event that are dying slowly on the inside. WTF am I talking about? Ok, I was recently reminded of a very ordinary (sub ordinary actually, almost humiliating)  day many years ago where an ex (and super happy that this person ended up being an EX) took me against my will to go to an apple festival in the country.

To put this into context, the nickname I bestowed on my ex (among my friends and anyone that would listen to my rants about how completely rubbish a of a girlfriend she was) was the temp. Unfortunately for me, this temping situation last for almost 2 years, 2 very miserable years of my life. Sigh, moving on.

This sad story begins back in the heady times of the late 1990s where the temp planned a day out that she’s was super excited about. Of course to make this more intriging (which normally meant more irritating), she kept this a secret from me, anticipating that when I actually found myself miles out in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by apples that I would be very excited. So I went along with the charade of feigning enthusiasm, jumping into the car and following her directions to the wherever the hell we were going place.  Note, we passed lots of wineries where I could have completely drowned my misery in alcohol on the way but she was insistent on getting to her destination.

We pass a billboard on the road advertising the Yarra Valley Apple Festival 1999 (I think) and I casually said to to her.. “who the fuck would want to go to an apple festival?” This was met firstly by a sigh, then some huffing and puffing and followed by an admission that this is was where I was driving toward. Feeling bad (but mostly for myself), I attempted to backtrack by saying something like, I was kidding and of course that would be fun. What annoyed me apart from the whole friggin situation of I’m going to an apple festival was that.. even after unintentially revealing my true feelings on the apple festival, that she was still excited about going, even though I wasn’t. I think this kind of represents where the relationship was headed.

So we get there and there are hundreds of people (I still don’t understand how) in attendance. After about 10 minutes I could see they were mostly hicks or girls with guys who were also forced against all reason to be there. What I’m I not telling you.. oh yeah, there were stalls of people selling apple products such as apples (surprise!), juice and I don’t know.. I stopped paying attention. All I could pay attention to was this voice in my head telling me if I was ever going to bail on someone for taking me somewhere really retarded, this was the place and she was the girl. In retrospect, I should have excused myself, got in the car, and left her with the other apple lovin’ folk. Being decent didn’t t pay as I endured countless varieties of apples on a god damned 1 hour tour of an apple plantation, crop or whatever.

Here’s me and what the temp should have known as to not even suggest such a place to me. I like heavy metal, watching bands, going to the football, movies and not spending time with her. I have nothing against apples but in the same way that I have nothing against road contruction.. still I don’t want to spend my afternoon watching workmen laying down road. I knew this marked the day in deciding to get outta of that relationship. This may have seemed harsh but if your partner of 2 years so doesn’t know you and can’t work out that you’d rather be savagely beaten then spend time in the country with his girl and a whole bunch o’ apples, then it’s time (as Bruce Buffer, famed UFC announcer would say).

Here’s the thing, we already spend our lives doing a lot of things we don’t want to, working, visiting relatives, doing housework, sitting on the phone with your mobile provider etc. When your precious weekends are violated continously by doing a whole bunch of things that you don’t like, reclaim them, be honest to your loved (or unloved in my case) one and proclaim, I’m not going to apple farm.. and have we met before?

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9 thoughts on “Dumb Places Dumb People Take You

  1. I went with an apple butter festival once with a friend. Every year she asks if I want to go back with her, but every year I have “something else” to do that weekend. Funny how that happens.

    • Butter Festival? It amazes me how many terrible, pointless events exist in the world. You’re a good friend to go even once to such a thing. Thanks for sharing your pain.

    • Don’t knock butter until you’ve seen Last Tango in Paris. But back to apples… I live in Niagara, Canada and was heading back to my hometown of Montreal for a visit. Well, a friend asked me to stop at The Big Apple, an apple-oriented bakery and restaurant “just off the highway” between Toronto and Montreal and pick her up an apple crumble Betty. Like an idiot, I agreed. Well, it was winter and whenever driving around the Great Lakes a snow squall can crop up so I wanted to make it as far as I could before dark. The damned Big Apple took an hour off my schedule because while visible from the highway, the access was like something out of Raiders of the Lost Ark or something. The apple crumble Betty wasn’t bad, but not worth an hour out of my life.

      • I do sense that apples are at the centre of many pointless and in your account, life-threatening pursuits. I think you’ve helped me uncover something that we should all be wary of. Last Tango in Paris, the soft porn movie with Brando, was he doing something inappropriate with butter? I’ll have to watch that again 🙂

      • If you do go and watch Last Tango in Paris, wait for the line “Pass the butter”. I’ve never seen the movie, but have heard of the line.

  2. Well, personally, it sounds quite cute. An apple festival is certainly more interesting than a rap festival or a dumb British carnival. But I get your point. This is the first blog I’ve come across (though I haven’t been searching) which has a similar approach to that of my Scumland UK. It is refreshing to read such well written and entertaining posts and sense that you are not alone in your views.

    I’m sure there are probably many points at which we would disagree, but it is certainly inspiring to read views similar to your own. I’ve added a link from my blog though my traffic is minimal as I am currently focusing on another project.

    • Apples may sound cute but unfortunately no. Thanks for the praise, I’m looking forward to catching up on your blog of like minded and no doubt sometimes differing views. Be dull if we were all the same. Thanks for the link too.

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