Trying to like Transformers 3, and 2, and 1

Cover of "The Transformers - The Movie"
When They Were Kings

Have you ever been on a date with someone that’s quite attractive and probably way out of your league? Naturally, you’re more focused on the excitement that said person is out with you in public (or her cleavage) and less so on the nagging suspicion you have that they lack substance, are generally dumb as shit and unfortunately not interesting enough to spend more than one evening with. This is how I feel about the new Transformers 3 movie (and the 2nd one as well). Note, this is my first fan boy type post…

I’m totally into to super sized, powerful robots battling on an epic scale that conveniently change form into cars and planes and cassette players (sidenote for the kiddies.. they’re like iPods from the 70’s and 80’s). As a kid and even now being a sentimental adult, I love Transformers and spent a good proportion of my childhood allowance (and begging parents) on securing 50+ mostly Autobots, watching the cartoons and then of course, the ultimate wish come true, experiencing the 1986 Transformers The Movie (cartoon that is). When Optimus Prime passes on the matrix to Ultra Magnus and dies, then fades into grey.. tears man, lot’s of tears. I’ll try to continue.

Oh yeah, the new Transformers movie/s. Good things… I like how they look in their non animated form, the visuals are kind of all there and very appealing, Optimus’ voice is right given that they used the same actor as the cartoon movie and Megatron benefits from Hugo Weaving’s vocals.. all good, every time Optimus pulls out his massive sword and starts dissecting Decepticons, all very good!

The bad, every very everything else. Here’s my shortlist.

Soldiers shooting at Transformers. I think collectively there’s a lot more screen time dedicated to cliche soldiers battling robots. Aren’t we supposed to be watching Transformers punching on with each other? Can humans really hurt skyscraper sized robot with mere bullets? Are the robot battling scenes that expensive that we couldn’t have more of these?

Shia La Bouf. Amusing in the first movie, annoying in the following movies (not that he’s had any great lines, story, plot etc to work with). How does his character realistically date super models? Plus a pretty average batting average if you take account of the Indiana Jones travesty he was in. Uncle Spielberg is just not the same director he used to be. You should have seen him in the late 70’s early 80’s son.

Story and plot. What fucking story or plot? Was this thing written by an adult or moderately eloquent 8-year-old? Dumb, super predictable and just endless, irrelevant scenes again NOT involving Transformers. e.g. Sam losing hot girlfriend, Sam’s parents are frisky, Buzz Aldrin wonders what this shit has to do with the moon landing, Frances McDormand, John Malkovich and John Turturro wondering, why am I in this movie.

Rosie Huntington Whitely. I thought (and am still 100% confident) that Megan Fox is/was/will always be a terrible actress. When Rosie H makes Megan look like a Julliard prodigy, Michael Bay should have stepped in and had her executed. I determined that she’d not previously spoken in front of camera before, I’d consider that a casting concern. She was excruciating for every second she was on film and her Botox filled expressions were unnerving.

Megatron was never meant to be a pussy. There was this scene where Rosie Hackington taunts Megatron to be a man (well, robot) and double cross Autobot gone bad Leonard Nimoy (also wasted) etc etc. He does exactly as her very poor acting was eluding too, then is dispatched way too easily in a matter of seconds by Optimus. My rewrite, lead female taunts Megatron – Megatron is pissed off – Megatron inserts lead female into mouth and chews delightfully – end scene.

Prime vs Megatron. This is all we really wanted to see. Think of it like the build up to similar to Obi Wan vs Anakin. All three movies failed to deliver to fans this one essential ingredient, the lead good guy vs the lead bad guy final battle scene. Epic to and fro struggle beating each other senseless, Prime near defeat, dying even pulls out a miraculous move by cleaving poor Megatron in two, heroic music, end. No further sequel required.


4 thoughts on “Trying to like Transformers 3, and 2, and 1

  1. A lovely piece of review work! I’m glad you warned me about this flick…my wife and I were going to rent it for this week’s in-house date night but after your scathing review I’m going to see if I can just borrow it from the library for free. Thanks for saving me the $3.50 rental charge!

    • There are two costs to consider here, the lesser significant $3.50 rental charge (or trip to the library) and then the 157 minutes that you will invest into a movie with very little return. For recent movie suggestions, the new X-Men movie was really good, or Source Code maybe. My advice, avoid Michael Bay and Nicholas Cage just to be safe.

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