Fake those feelings


I know it’s a cliche but the whole thing about you don’t need a license to bring kids into the world but you do to drive a car or go fishing.. maybe we should look into this further.

I’ve got two boys but today (and actually lots o’ days) I don’t feel qualified to have them. I essentially lost my cool (cause I’m so cool yeah) with the younger nightmare because he was being a total pain in the ass. Those righteous dicks that write ‘how to raise your children’ books would say, “hey dad, you need to calm down, don’t show your anger openly, provide a calm front, then explain yourself in monotone bass how you’re not happy about whatever it is they’ve done to upset you”.

Isn’t this how people deal with retarded situations at work and fuck me, now we’ve got to do this at home in front of the kids as well. Holy shit, when do we ever get to be the person that we really are and say what we want to say and show our true emotions be they horrific or pleasant?

So yes, going back to dad vs 1.5 year child old cage match bonanza. By the way, he’s on a unbeaten winning streak of about 13-0, all by KO and I’m only his only chump opponent. I’ve mentioned previously about getting vomited on. Well, the young tyrant now uses this as some sort of self induced weapon of cataclysmic mess coupled with a highly focused projection of emotional manipulation.

It goes something like this. I do something incredibly gestapo-like such as suggested to the young master of puppets, it’s time to go to bed or stop hitting your older brother. Then his reaction, drop the ground like an elevator crashing after the cable’s been cut (see Speed with Keanu for reference) and commence this fit of banshee like screaming until, wait for it, he’s bring himself to near convulsions and then, throws up.. on himself, me, the floor etc.

At this point as a decent dad (jury is definitely still out) and a humanist (again, inconclusive) I’m supposed to retain composure, focus on calming him down and deal. Instead, I go to my default setting of shouting “what the fuck again!” or “you did this on purpose, I know it” or “stop using this vomit shit to stop me from punishing you”. I hope that I’m not doing as much of the matching his screaming with my WTF shouting but I’m not sure. That’s my natural reaction and I find the containment thing just too hard.

So again, I didn’t get my license and with the kids, I often feel like I’m building IKEA furniture without those what look like hand drawn assembly instructions. Maybe if I shielded my kids from my true feelings then they’d grow up thinking I was super detached or non responsive. Then again, the flipside is I could be coming off as a borderline sociopath. The question remains, is it better to be a non existent or present yet angry?

We fake it around everyone don’t we, at work, around friends and family.. why should your kids get to see who you are when nobody else gets to.


6 thoughts on “Fake those feelings

  1. I don’t have any kids and I wouldn’t know how to handle them – guess that’s not enough. A lot of people have no idea of kids – I’m not too sure if you’re one of them as well.

  2. As an experienced father (my son will be 30 years old in a couple of months and lives on his own about 700 km away), I feel I should let you know that the vomiting never stops. HoaiPhai Jr. comes down on the holidays and drinks himself silly and I wake up in the morning only to find partially-digested pepperoni on the wall beside the toilet. My advice to you is to dip into the kids’ college fund (they will never use it… trust me on this one) and install floor drains in every room of your house.

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