Still complaining about the Oscars… one year on

Italiano: Stella di Meryl Streep sulla Hollywo...
No one comes close

Last year to the day, I was super annoyed that Inception didn’t win the Best Picture Oscar and hence through my rage, I started a blog to address this injustice in the hopes of starting a ground swell of public outcry to force the reversal of this decision. With a total of 3 readers rallying by my side, I couldn’t quite make this happen – sorry Leo my man.

Anyway, against the wisdom that I should employ in my daily life, I chose to watch the Oscars and found myself significantly less annoyed. I think I must be in a more apathetic place plus I think I’ve watched about 10 movies this year and can’t really cast an opinion on stuff I’ve not seen. To clarify, I saw one out from the nine movies nominated this year and that movie suck ass big fucking time. Guess.. anyone? The Tree of Life. Holy crap wasn’t this the most overated piece of confusing, mind bending and slow motion captured fluff ever made in the history of film? Surely with Brad Pitt and Sean Penn on hand, something signficantly more interesting could have eventuated (examples; se7en, 21 grams, fight club, carlito’s way).

So a few things I observed:

Jennifer Lopez is amazing for 42. I know everyone is currently obsessed staring at her nipples but damn she’s so pretty. I’ve come across this phenomena late in life (i.e. the last few years) and ashamedly discovered her watching Idol (there goes my one reader, dang it).

Billy Crystal should be forced to host every year till death. Sure he was corny at times but he’s leagues better than anyone else I’ve seen. After that dumb ass Cirque Du Soleil bit his “we’re a pony away from a bar mitzvah” line was funny, no? Am I the only one?

Meryl Streep is the greatest actor or actress of all god damn time (see The Deer Hunter). Name me a movie (be it great or not) where she sucked, one time..go on.. one time. That’s right MF, back off now.

I thought Nick Nolte was really good in Warrior. If you had to have an alcoholic father you could do much worse than Paddy Conlon (Paddy.. great name). And I get that a UFC based movie would never get nominated (snobs) even if it was like totally entertaining.

Why wasn’t The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo nominated for best film? Is wasn’t better than the horse movie. I really liked it and Rooney Mara was interesting – that rape scene was pretty rough to watch. By the way, if you’re sensitive to these types of scenes (and if you’re not, please stop reading and go find a bridge now) never, never watch Irreversable (still scarred).

I liked that Bret McKenzie (Conchords) won an Oscar for the Muppets (Best Song). Funny that there were only 2 songs nominated. I felt kind of the same way last year when watching Trent Reznor win last year. Guess they didn’t think much of the remade version of Immigrant Song with that chick from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs (see below).

 

Anyway, probably not the most comprehesive review of cinema’s night of nights but then I’ve spent most of my last 12 months addicted to what I’m feeling is the Golden Age of Television. In my opinion, there’s a lot better watching to be had with the likes of Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead, Sons Of Anarchy, Community, Homeland. These are better than an movies I’ve seen over the past year.

O Canada

Canada
Canada - You Rock!

I’m sure Canadians hate being mistaken for Americans. I’ve seen it a bunch of times when Canadian comedians tour and introduce themselves to an Australian audience (that’s me) that they’re not from the US.. and not to immediately judge them. Then again, Aussies don’t generally judge, we can’t normally be bothered.

Anyway, I’ve recently been obsessed with the new album from The Dears (Degeneration Street).. it’s very good. I don’t review music but there’s something special about this one. I assumed that they were an American band but then discovered.. nope Canadian. Huh? How about that. And then I thought to myself, I wonder how many other times I’ve made this mistake? I then picked a handful of bands that have been in the ipod’s rotation o plenty in recent years and then found..

Arcade Fire, the best indie band of the past few years – Canadian
KO’s – I don’t like hip hop until now (is Eminem hip hop)  – Canadian
Metric – bringing back the bands from the 90s with the super talented female lead – Canadian
Kittie – girl super powered heavy metal band – Canadian
Hot Hot Heat – no way, I thought they were from Boston or something – Canadian

I’m sure Canada would like to ex communicate their links to the Celine Dion (so awful and difficult to look at), Bryan Adams (almost as awful, especially after the mid 80s) and Nickelback (please don’t mistake these guys for hard rock, try Dave and the boys from the Foo Fighters). The bands listed are truly resetting Canadian music legacy.

All of this plus George St Pierre, the most amazing maple syrup, Bret Hart, Kiefer Sutherland and James T Kirk, I feel that respect must be paid the civilised patrons of North America. O Canada!

P.S. (haven’t done one of these before).. to see where this inspiration for this post came from, check out The Dears in the vid below. It’ll make you cry.

Trying to like Transformers 3, and 2, and 1

Cover of "The Transformers - The Movie"
When They Were Kings

Have you ever been on a date with someone that’s quite attractive and probably way out of your league? Naturally, you’re more focused on the excitement that said person is out with you in public (or her cleavage) and less so on the nagging suspicion you have that they lack substance, are generally dumb as shit and unfortunately not interesting enough to spend more than one evening with. This is how I feel about the new Transformers 3 movie (and the 2nd one as well). Note, this is my first fan boy type post…

I’m totally into to super sized, powerful robots battling on an epic scale that conveniently change form into cars and planes and cassette players (sidenote for the kiddies.. they’re like iPods from the 70’s and 80’s). As a kid and even now being a sentimental adult, I love Transformers and spent a good proportion of my childhood allowance (and begging parents) on securing 50+ mostly Autobots, watching the cartoons and then of course, the ultimate wish come true, experiencing the 1986 Transformers The Movie (cartoon that is). When Optimus Prime passes on the matrix to Ultra Magnus and dies, then fades into grey.. tears man, lot’s of tears. I’ll try to continue.

Oh yeah, the new Transformers movie/s. Good things… I like how they look in their non animated form, the visuals are kind of all there and very appealing, Optimus’ voice is right given that they used the same actor as the cartoon movie and Megatron benefits from Hugo Weaving’s vocals.. all good, every time Optimus pulls out his massive sword and starts dissecting Decepticons, all very good!

The bad, every very everything else. Here’s my shortlist.

Soldiers shooting at Transformers. I think collectively there’s a lot more screen time dedicated to cliche soldiers battling robots. Aren’t we supposed to be watching Transformers punching on with each other? Can humans really hurt skyscraper sized robot with mere bullets? Are the robot battling scenes that expensive that we couldn’t have more of these?

Shia La Bouf. Amusing in the first movie, annoying in the following movies (not that he’s had any great lines, story, plot etc to work with). How does his character realistically date super models? Plus a pretty average batting average if you take account of the Indiana Jones travesty he was in. Uncle Spielberg is just not the same director he used to be. You should have seen him in the late 70’s early 80’s son.

Story and plot. What fucking story or plot? Was this thing written by an adult or moderately eloquent 8-year-old? Dumb, super predictable and just endless, irrelevant scenes again NOT involving Transformers. e.g. Sam losing hot girlfriend, Sam’s parents are frisky, Buzz Aldrin wonders what this shit has to do with the moon landing, Frances McDormand, John Malkovich and John Turturro wondering, why am I in this movie.

Rosie Huntington Whitely. I thought (and am still 100% confident) that Megan Fox is/was/will always be a terrible actress. When Rosie H makes Megan look like a Julliard prodigy, Michael Bay should have stepped in and had her executed. I determined that she’d not previously spoken in front of camera before, I’d consider that a casting concern. She was excruciating for every second she was on film and her Botox filled expressions were unnerving.

Megatron was never meant to be a pussy. There was this scene where Rosie Hackington taunts Megatron to be a man (well, robot) and double cross Autobot gone bad Leonard Nimoy (also wasted) etc etc. He does exactly as her very poor acting was eluding too, then is dispatched way too easily in a matter of seconds by Optimus. My rewrite, lead female taunts Megatron – Megatron is pissed off – Megatron inserts lead female into mouth and chews delightfully – end scene.

Prime vs Megatron. This is all we really wanted to see. Think of it like the build up to similar to Obi Wan vs Anakin. All three movies failed to deliver to fans this one essential ingredient, the lead good guy vs the lead bad guy final battle scene. Epic to and fro struggle beating each other senseless, Prime near defeat, dying even pulls out a miraculous move by cleaving poor Megatron in two, heroic music, end. No further sequel required.

Hilton vs Kardashian, the battle of who gives a f%ck

Paris Hilton promoting her cell-phone video ga...
Has-been.. with a lot of guys.

Slow news day when my local paper (by paper I’m mean my city’s newspaper website as it’s not the early 90s anymore) has as its lead story “Paris Hilton, Past Her Prime?”. So, while reading this I’m thinking… I couldn’t give less of a crap about Paris Hilton with the exception of say, Kim Kardashian. Wait, I’m in luck, this journalistic masterpiece ticks both boxes in a battle of who wants to be the biggest celebrity prostitute.

This counts as news huh? The worst thing is that I’m certain this article got a lot more hits (of which I have shamefully contributed one hit to) than an article on the worst famine to hit Somalia in 60 years which threatens to wipe out 12 million people. Guess that one wasn’t sexy (or slutty it seems) enough to get top spot (made it to 11th though).

So let’s examine this important news story in finer detail. Some ABC news guy (Dan Harris) asks Paris “‘Do you worry at times that people who have followed in your footsteps like Kim Kardashian are over shadowing you?”. She says “Not at all”. He follows up with ‘Do you worry about your moment having passed?” Then very maturely, she gets up and storms off.

I really like this guy’s work. He was probably thinking, I just wanted to be a real journalist and here I am interviewing this talentless piece of nothing that seems to have a spellbinding hold over my 13 year old daughter.

I don’t really care that she’s jealous of Kim Kardashian, or that she’s not as popular as she used to be. To be honest, I can’t really see the difference between them. Both contribute nothing but whorish influence on stupid girls and prove that if your dad has made a lot of money, you too can be idolised by scores of wannabes that are lacking serious role models.

Surely Kim and Paris really should have been allocated their 15 minutes of fame (i.e. homemade sex movies), then just like regular trash, been taken out to the tip and used as landfill. Unfortunately, like a bad STD (which I’m sure between them, they have the majority), they linger and cause much irritation. Seriously, can’t we just have them killed.

Blow Up Miley Cyrus Sex Doll?

Miley Cyrus during a show.
Finally Mylie - Sold Out!

I read this in my local paper (well online news site, whoTF actually reads a newspaper anymore).. “Finally Mylie!” the Miley Cyrus sex doll — complete with “three achy love holes” — sold out in 48 hours.” Clever with the misspelling of Mylie right, that should keep the manufacturers out of court.

There a few things here 1) they actually made a Miley Cyrus sex doll 2) people (well deviants) actually bought it and I’m guessing as it sold out so quickly, there’s a lot more of these sickos kind of upset that they didn’t get one. Is anyone else concerned about this? Let’s backtrack here a little, from my understanding Miley Cyrus is 18 (so legal if you were to do her, not smart but legal). But she’s famous for being a Disney sitcom star a few years back. I just checked on wikipedia, back in 2006, meaning at the time she was 13 (this would be not a legal age of consent). So this means she famous mostly for being an underage teen and now sickos are buying her likeness in PVC to fornicate with.

By the way I don’t have anything against sex dolls. I’m sure they do their civic service and help keep the freaks off the streets. Better that these bastards perpetrate their sickness on plastic inanimates instead of real innocents. Why don’t we keep these dolls to over 18 (hey let’s say 21 just for the hell of it), attractive celebs like Jessica Alba or Charlize Theron? This industry needs to be regulated though, I’ve heard that they’ve got Kim Kardashian and Lady Gaga sex dolls, this is equally as sick. Whatever happened to seeing prostitutes?

I’m going to sound preachy here but really?? Can’t we round-up all the sick fucks that bought a Finally Mylie doll and just lock them away. Sure they’ve not actually committed a crime but I think they’d be candidates some sick sex crime. Do you want to live next door to this guy, or have him mowing his lawn while your kids are playing in your yard? I mean, he buys a sex doll of someone on the borderline of being a child. I don’t think he gets to qualify for living with the rest of society.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really know anything about or have an opinion about Miley Cyrus. Wasn’t she the Justin Bieber of 2006? And I really hope they’re not planning to bring out a blow up doll of him either. She’s thinking about suing the company that made this things, I hope she wins and we don’t get to read these types of articles anymore.

By the way, just read that the same company is releasing a Crackhead Charlie (Sheen) sex doll as well. Why do they prey on the innocent hey?

Apparently this has triggered a Twitter dialog between Sheen and Cyrus – maybe if those two hook up, you can buy a twin pack of their sex dolls for a sick threesome. Not good.

Celebrity Prostitute Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian at the Seventh Annual Hollywood...
I'm a whore that deserves to die

Not that long ago, you actually had to do something or being talented to become a celebrity. I don’t feel this is the case anymore. Or maybe it’s just the definition of celebrity has changed. For example, if you’re a renown actor, sportsperson, musician, you’re a celebrity. Now, you can make an amateur sex tape, star on a piece of shit reality TV program or felate a president and you also become famous. Seems a bit unfair as previously you needed to have a skill or talent that people actually appreciated, now being a sensationalist whore gets you headlines as well.

I’ve mentioned previously that I really like to see Kim Kardashian buy a violent death. She’s a talentless prostitute who contributes nothing (actually she does but it’s all negative) and yet was the most searched person on the web last year. And, she made like over 40 million bucks as well. I don’t get this and I kind of don’t want to. She makes a sex tape which I have no issue with except she wasn’t very good in it. But here’s the thing that annoys me..  girls (and I’m guessing are really young, idealistic and impressionable) want to be like her when she appears to me to be the ultimate anti role model. I’m not a moralist but if I had a daughter, I’d not be wrapped her idol dresses, acts and looks like a street walker, who is essentially retarded and would have my daughter thinking that this is what boys really want and encouraging her to pop her cherry by the time she was 11. I guess Paris is to blame for similar influences. I hate her too.

There used to be a time when a total prostitute like Kim Kardashian would only get famous for say, hooking up with an A grade celebrity who was on a drug fueled bender and willing to fuck really anything that was presented in front of him. Then after waking up in a hospital bed resulting from both a near death overdose, coupled with the myriad of STDs that he got from his hooker hookup, would see clearly, apologise emotionally to the public and dump her in Guinness record time.

Then the fun bit happens.. there is then zero interest in her from anyone, press, fans, anyone. Realising this, she’s then replicates her ex’s drugged fueled bender but this time, no one gives a shit about what’s going on and she’s allowed, uninterrupted to funnel a death sentence volume of drugs into her pin cushion arms, is found throwing up outside a nightclub (of which no one cares enough to intervene), passes out in a nearby dumpster and then is found 15 days later, significantly decomposed. This picture gets out and is the last image we see and remember of her (then completely forget about say a week later).

I look forward to this fate be falling Kim and all of the sub-human Kardashians for the pure evil they perpetrate on the world. Then, we don’t have to put up with seeing her anymore. I’d like to see a version of her show called Burying the Kardashians. If only I could host and get to personally dispatch her, I’d be most pleased.

Should Nicolas Cage Still Make Movies?

Cover of "Ghost Rider (Extended Cut) [Blu...
Ghost Rider - Rubbish

I like Nichoas Cage.. well I used to, it’s a bit of a love hate thing and more of a hate hate thing in recent times. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not like a hate-worthy person at all and I’d be totally wrapped at any opportunity to meet him in person. If you wanna hate, I can help point you in the right direction – start of with singing cow Celine Dion, mega whores Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton, psychopath political leaders like Hugo Chavez, Col. Gadaffi or even Sergio Berlusconi. Anyway.

Poor old Nick is on a pretty bad run. With complete non-wonderful achievements such as “Season of the Witch”, “Sorcerer’s Apprentice” and (I can’t believe a sequel is being made “Ghost Rider 2”, he’s very much a fallen soldier on the battlefield. Man, Ghost Rider was bad.. apart from a brief naked scene with Eva Mendes, that movie was completely unwatchable. His last 3 movies on Rotten Tomatoes scored 45% Drive Angry (is that a bad version of Gone in 60 Seconds?), 43% Sorcerer’s Apprentice… and get this, 5% for Season of the Witch. From memory, a % is still out of 100 right?

I get sucked into watching these colossal dung heaps (like some form of sick self torture) as I continue to reminisce on the highs from early in his career. But, I sniff the foul air, sense something bad is about to happen, then feel myself mentally throwing up in my own mouth. Ghost Rider in particular was so so so bad. Marvel had been responsible for some of the worst things I’ve ever seen and, this was their worst… and probably his.

I’m conflicted still and wonder how long it will take before I completely give up on him.  I don’t want to really to.. it’s kind of like breaking up with a girlfriend that essentially treats you bad for like 80% of the time but then occasionally is incredible (20%) and does something nice for you such as appearing in “Kick Ass” or “Lord of War” but then hurts you again with “Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance”. How do I know that one is going to hurt, read the below synopsis from IMDB… “As Johnny Blaze hides out in Eastern Europe, he is called upon to stop the devil, who is trying to take human form.”

So below is my list of dos and don’t’s when it comes to this once great (and hopefully soon to be resurrected to greatness again) actor.

DO: Raising Arizona, Adaption, Red Rock West, The Rock, Con Air, Adaption, Lord of War, Kick Ass (a rare recent one), Gone in 60 Seconds, Honeymoon in Las Vegas.

SO DON’T: Ghost Rider, Season of the Witch, Sorcerer’s Apprentice, Snake Eyes, 8MM, any god damn sequel to any of these movies (c’mon, don’t be stupid).

It’s a close race between the best of Cage i.e. Raising Arizona and the worst, Ghost Rider. I”m hoping he doesn’t go down the path of great actors that have already fallen from grace. Sad, very very sad examples are below:

Eddie Murphy – from Beverly Hills Cop and Trading Places to Dr Doolittle 1 to 7 and Daddy Day Care.

Steve Martin – from LA Story, the Jerk, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels to The Pink Panther and Cheaper by the Dozen.

Harrison Ford – from being Han Solo, Indy and Jack Ryan to that abortion Indiana Jones 4 and every movie he’s made in the past 10 years.

Come back to us Nick, make another version of the Rock, beg Clint Eastwood to be in his next movie or retire and please stop causing me further heartbreak.