Now you see, the changing of the worrd is inevitabre!

Kim Jong Il
it was inevitabre

It’s been a good year in terms of bad people being removed from the planet.

I mean we were off to a flying start with Osama getting shot in the eye (in the fucking eye) by Navy Seals back in May. Then Gadaffi getting beaten to death in the back of a pick up truck (that’s a very American vehicle – ironic no?) by rebels and then apparently violated with a stick/knife or something in August. And now, the hat trick is complete with the completely deserved passing of North Korean funny man, Kim Jong Il today.. Merry Christmas to all.

You probably remember him from his outstanding work on Team America which from my understanding, was surprisingly realistic and not a satirical as the South Park boys led you to believe. Unfortunately his demise was not as overly violent as experienced by oppressive brothers from earlier this year but I understand that the NK government went to great lengths to conceal just how very ill (get it, il!) he really was and that there may have been some suffering involved. Let’s certainly hope so.

As far as dictators go, Lil Kim had a pretty short stint as self professed “supreme leader” for North Korea, capturing the gig after Daddy Il also got claimed by a heart attack (I’m sure he was also a good guy). Anyway, with only 10 years under his belt, Kim certainly made the most of his time by:

  • essentially starving his people to near death..
  • suppressing all human rights and personal freedom..
  • amassing a collection of 200,000 political prisoners (he must have a massive Guantanamo complex)..
  • sending North Koreans to essentially work as slaves in Siberian labour camps (fuck man, I’m not sure that the Russians even do that to their people anymore.. I could be wrong) so that he could raise money for his war machine..
  • imprisoning and or executing countless countrymen who spoke il (I can’t help myself) of the Kim and his oppressive regime..
  • etc and goddamn etc..

So good bye Kim. I hope your passing was incredible drawn out, super painful and humiliating. Personally I’m hoping there was continued loss of bladder function and pain levels experienced by the most sever prostate cancer victims. You deserve that at a fucking minimum.

The End Is Nigh, Just Not Yet

Sarah Connor (Terminator)
My Soldier In The End Of Days

So some really ridiculous religious fanatic (Harold Camping) was trying to convince the world (and his semi literate followers) that the world was going to end on 21 May. What is awesomely funny given that today it’s 22 May and that the Family Radio website had this counter telling you how many days till the Rapture hit. God (literally) dammit! Harold and his super brainy congregation must be so disappointed by the whole thing. I’d like the think that they were so convinced of this inevitability that they blew all of their earthly savings on frivolous shit or gave their money away to relatives who have no intention of returning it and will now spend the rest of their lives penniless and without spiritual direction.

I can’t feel sorry for such dumb people. They take the bits out of the bible that supports their theory then apply it so friggin literally to then estimate an end-day based a bunch of ridiculous assumptions. I”m guessing old Harold noticing that the number 21 appears,  I don’t know say 5 times, maybe on page 2011. Creepy. I don’t really want these type of people circulating with the rest of us. If they have a death wish, they should do what ever other decent fanatical cult has done in years past A) lock themselves (excluding children and pets please) in a house and burn it. And preferably not a nice house or B) on the day and time in question, gather together and we find them about a week later, dead from self consumed poisoning.

The sad thing is that there’s always the next group hell bent on getting ready for predicting our collective death. I’ve heard that we’ve gotta watch out for some time on November this year. I think it’s the Mayan prophecy which formed the basis for worst John Cusack film I’ve ever seen, 2012. John Cusack? In some of my favorite and most loathed movies (kind of like Nick Cage). Weird.

Anyway, I thought that we were all quite clear how the world was going to end:..

– Computers become self aware, realise they do all the hard work then fire nukes at opposing superpowers. Then terminator type robots with Bavarian accents start killing all survivors and one very hot but hard to take down Linda Hamilton.

– Or some mad professor build a time machine out of a sports car and young American teen travels back in time but screws out something in the past altering the space-time continuum, then tries to resolve by traveling forward in time and meets his future self hence causing disruption in space/time (or something like that) resulting in the world blowing up.

– and if we were to go biblical, isn’t there supposed to be some signs of mass destruction before everything goes dark? You know plagues, floods, locusts and some scary dudes on horses (look out for the one on a pale horse) messing things up a little. If this is the way it goes down, looks like we’ll get ample warning. Watch the Seventh Seal with Demi Moore and the super underated Michael Biehn.. it explains the whole thing nicely.

Let’s finish this one with a passage from the book of Kardasian. Kim “I’m confused, why does everyone think the world is gonna end today?” Only God can determine that!” Khloe “Amen, Kimmie!”. Maybe I’m wrong about those two..  they have some much to contribute.

Aren’t We All Happy Osama’s Dead?

A still of 2004 Osama bin Laden video
When he still had 2 eyes..

In the decade leading up to his death, I thought we were all on the same page about wanting this person removed from the earth for the good of all. No? I must not be reading enough and have my finger well and truly off the public pulse.

Some of the international press (and surprisingly some US press) have criticised the operation claiming it was more of an assassination than an attempt to capture and charge him for his crimes. Really? Who gives a fuck at the end of the day? He’s a bad person, he liked threatening death on a lot of people (claiming responsibility for 9/11 in 2004.. don’t you watch his videotapes?) and has occasionally delivered on these threats. If they captured him, I’m sure the plan would be torture him big time at gitmo (again, no issue with that) and then eventually put him down. I’m sure they didn’t have to shoot him in the eye but as far as I’m concerned, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.

Then there’s the whole, it was a revenge killing. Ok… sure it was, and? Seriously, what am I missing here? Why does anyone have to feel bad about how this all played out or that he was killed in front of his family etc. I agree, it’s not a nice way to go… neither is leaping to your death from the roof top of a building because someone crashed a plane into your building.

The common criticism goes something like “well, the US is responsible for killing many Iraqis with no real ties to Al-Quaeda”. Let’s separate these two things. That is absolutely true and Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and a legion of CIA people completely deserve to get shot in the eye and throw into the ocean also. It really fucking annoys me that Bush is grinning happily from his hillbilly ranch no doubt happy about Bin Laden‘s murder while obviously incredibly jealous this happened on his successor’s watch (small justice). Real justice would be that he and Cheney (the real US president at the time) are sent to some piece of shit Iraqi prison, managed by Iraqis and are forced to waterboard each other daily while Celine Dion sings live 24/7 in their cell without reprise.

Let’s keep this really simple, people who kill others whether it’s one or thousands, deserve death. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a US president, vice president, leader of Al-Quaeda, shop keeper, Hyundai car salesman, Wall St billionaire etc. We shouldn’t care how death is dealt out and we shouldn’t feel sorry for them.

And one last thing, can we please see Bin Laden’s death shot so that the conspiracy theorist nutjobs can shut the fuck up?

Just Kill YOURself

Young woman's near attempt to jump off the Dav...
You can do it... alone

Why kill other people if you’ve decided to end your own life? Are you so full of hate with the burning need for vengeance that this seems like a good idea?

Here’s the thing. Suicide is the ultimate cure for your what ever is upsetting you. If your partner has left you or you’re a complete sociopath that is hell-bent on causing as much harm to others as possible, all of this pain dissipates the movement your fragile skull hits the pavement after launching yourself off a building’s ledge. No harm done to anyone else that isn’t involved in your miserable, highly depreciated life with the exception of the poor street cleaner who has to clean up the mess that your body has made.

Murder-suicide. It’s a sad thing that this is a term so common that everyone knows what this means without a second thought. I get being angry and the feeling that you want to inflict your perceived suffering upon someone who you feel has wronged you.. but if you’re going to kill yourself anyway, seriously.. do it alone, leave a note and don’t take anyone else with you. It’s a personal journey that you should enjoy all by yourself.

There was this thing in the news about a father that decided to throw his 4-year-old daughter off a very high bridge. Word is that he was deranged (no fucking shit!) and did this while his other children were sitting in the car wondering what where their sister had gone when the father returned. Ok, so he didn’t kill himself but… how’s this for a less tragic version of this story.

Man is upset, gets into this car ALONE, goes to bridge, parks his car, throws himself off the bridge and dies. I like this one better. Firstly, a person who should die, does. Secondly, he does this without causing too much damage or inconvenience to others and finally, no one else dies at this potential murderer’s hands. Sure, his surviving 3 children and wife may not get why this has happened but the alternative is that this sociopath takes out his family one by one before self-destructing.

Ok.. if you’re absolutely sure hellbent on killing others before killing yourself, can I suggest removing people who the world isn’t going to miss such as participants of a KKK rally or a serial rapist that gets off due to legal technicality or any of the Kardashian women.

Don’t be a selfish arsehole, just kill YOURself.

Minister Of Population Control

Yale University Archives
Click - Boom

I used to have this ongoing desire (no, no, it’s not going to be one of those blogs.. we don’t really know each other that well yet) about being responsible for determining who on this planet is worthy to live and the countless others that are not. I alone would be judge and executioner and my decision-making would not be questioned. Naturally due to my unmatched ability to judge character, I’d like to think I’m the best candidate to take on this role.

Anyway, the way this would work is simple. Every person on the planet is outfitted with an internal explosive device, you know a bit like that movie “The Running Man” where they put explosive collars around the necks of prisoners to demotivate them to escape. Then I and I alone, would have a small hand-held detonator with a big red button on it and.. I think you get the idea.

Then I put myself in various situations where I’d be forced to decide the fate of people (mostly strangers) that would cross my path. For example, I’d be driving to the MPC (Ministry of Population Control), some butthole would cut me off for no reason, flip my off and drive away. Click – boom! Simple, he/she doesn’t get to cut off anyone else and is removed from the roads permanently. No foul.

Here are examples where I feel I could really exercise population minimisation effectively (note the below have happened to me and I really wish I a had my detonator thingy with me).

I was on a standing in a crowded train and there was a suit wearing asshole seated in a seat reserved for disabled/old people. Then this heavily pregnant woman gets on is forced to stand, in front of this guy. He does this thing where I know he’s pretending he doesn’t see her and closes his eyes like he’s going to sleep. I couldn’t handle it, went up to him, kicked his bag (which was on the ground) waking him up and said “hey, fucko, get up and give the lady your seat – what’s wrong with you”. Shamed and after giving me a dirty look, he says to the pregnant lady “oh oh umm, I’m really sorry I didn’t see you there”. Boom!!

While waiting for a friend in a busy street, this long stranger comes up to me and asks if I know Jesus. I politely tell him I’ve heard of him but seriously not interested. He continues to talk regardless, notices that I”m wearing a Metallica “Kill ‘Em All” t-shirt, start getting preachy about how heavy metal is Satan’s way of blah blah. Politely again I say I’m not interested and walk away, this fucker then starts to follow me and starts shouting some bible verse about Satan and temptation or something. I say, dude seriously leave me alone, I don’t want to talk to you but he still follows me. Now I’m thinking, if he really is one of god’s children and I hurt this person, will I get into trouble. Eventually he found a group of overseas student to annoy and left me alone. Boom!

And a shortlist of others for detonation: Feng Shui consultants that destroy the value of your home, guys who don’t like sport, Celine Dion, Hyundai owners, anyone that uses national pride as a reason to be a complete racist etc Boom etc Boom.

.. and especially any delusional fucker that thinks that the recent Japan earthquake was payback for WW2. Read below this most excellent blog from EloquentBlathers.

The formula of determining the right to life is very straightforward “Individual Removed = World Is A Better Place, therefore Delete.”

So when it’s time to elect your local Minister for Population Control… I’d love your vote!

Obsessed With Disaster (don’t live round here)

Animation of 2004 Indonesia tsunami Source: NO...
End is nigh?

I’m glued to the TV watching our 24/7 news station broadcasting the horrific devastation caused by the Japan earthquake/tsunami yesterday afternoon. I get sick watching a wall of water essentially sweeping up cars, trees, buildings and no doubt countless bodies in a complex mess of debris, mud and water. They say 98 have already been killed (this is a 1.00am AEST), I’m sure this will go up by some astronomically sickening amount which may leave the sentiment of this post, greatly under stated. I say killed as opposed to 98 people have died… why? It’s like they’ve been murdered really, you know, unexpected, completely for no good reason whatsoever, and senseless. Mother nature is the biggest fucking mass murderer of all time. While I’m typing I hear in the background that 200 to 300 bodies have washed up on a beach in Sendai.. the toll rises. And again, another update indicating that possibly 10k are missing. It’s going to be really bad. I visited Japan a few years back and came back feeling 2 things, one, it was the only place other than my city of birth that I could ever imagine living in (specifically Tokyo) and two,  I’m still yet to meet people more accommodating and friendly that continuously went well out of their way to help out a stupid tourist who always managed to get lost and read badly from a $10 Japanese phrase book. This makes me sadder.

This part of the world has truly been victimised in recent times. By recent, I don’t mean the past few year.. we’re talking like days/weeks.

Australia is just recovering from its cities and towns disappearing underwater, killing over 30 people with another 9 or 10 missing. Again, no reason… just rain, then dams break and families drown. I heard this story about a mother with a baby in arms, trying to hold on to her other young child, who gets washed away in front of her – I don’t think you come back from this type of trauma. This part of the world has essentially be transported into the Stone Age and recovery (at least physical), will take years. When did this happen 10 Jan 2011

Christchurch, an earthquake not as strong as the one yesterday in Japan.. but, it goes right through the 2nd most populated city in NZ, during working hours, ensuring maximum carnage. It could have happened at 2am and not taken out so many people.. but it didn’t. I’m watching this again on live 24/7 news channels while eating lunch at a cafe. Everyone stops eating, some people cry, one girl desperately grabs her phone with great speed and nervously punches in a number which I’m guessing is an attempt to call friends or family. I overheard her talking, and she broke down after successfully making contact with what appears to be her mother. Meanwhile on TV, I’m watching a woman who was the rooftop of a building during the earthquake, she’s hysterical obviously and I later find out is one of only a handful of survivors from a completely populated office building, that now looks like a stack of pancakes. Most disturbing I hear the broadcast update…  “we’ve just been informed that there are no more available ambulances in Christchurch”, more cries emanate from the cafe. This is evident by the fact that most people helping out in the rescue effort don’t have EMT, police or fireman uniforms but are regular people in business suits, construction gear, students etc pulling the living and the dead from debris. Death toll over 166 and expected to be over 200. And 33 killed in a cathedral – I guess no place is safe. Occurred 22 Feb 2011.

If you still don’t believe living in the Asia-Pacific region isn’t bad for you health…. the below happened in only the last 7 years.

2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami – 230k killed, on Boxing Day… right
2008 Cyclone Myanmar – 146k killed, especially after their government ignored warnings days earlier
2008 Sichuan (China) earthquake – 87k killed
2005 Kashmir earthquake – 79k killed

.. still obsessed with death (toll) I guess… saddened mostly.