God bless characters I can relate too

God Bless America
God Bless America (Photo credit: ClaraDon)

Back in the day and before you were born, there was a strange comedian called Bobcat Goldthwait who appeared in some pretty shitty movies that make up the Police Academy franchise. He did a lot of screaming which scared animals and old people. Funny but not super ha ha funny. Anyway, Bobcat (there are worse names, like Kardashian) evolved to become a director of low budget independent movies that I’m sure you’ve not heard of.

I watched his latest creation “God Bless America” is a black comedy about Frank. Frank is generally miserable as a result of his deteriorating relationships with his ex wife and uncaring daughter, his shitty job, a recent diagnosis of a brain tumor and the unrelenting supply of reality television.

Frank decides that offing himself is a good solution. While attempting to end it all with a handgun in mouth, he’s distracted by this obnoxious rant of this piece of shit reality star super bitch teenager who naturally has her own TV show. She’s famous for abusing her parents, picking on unpopular kids, telling all that she’s beautiful and has lots of money. He decides that killing her for essentially being unkind is something he needs to do before ending his own life. Frank (the everyday man’s superhero) decides to shoot her in the face as she’s getting into her expensive car after school.

He then teams up with a teenage schoolgirl who witnesses his act of decent murder. She (Roxy) eventually encourages him to dish out a range his vengence taking a road trip with her that essentially becomes a wonderful and completely justified spree of murders. Their victims include of society scumbags such as:

  • the shithead that takes up two car parking spaces
  • retarded teens won’t stop talking during a movie
  • the anti gay fuckers who protest gay funerals
  • Glenn Beck type, right wing antichrists who spread hate of all minorities.

The point of all of this this is, low movie speaks volumes to me. While it won’t appeal to all, it certainly strikes a chord for those that ever desired to take the law into their own hands and stand up against shitty behaviour.

Let’s Kill James Cameron & Avatar Sequels

Robert Patrick found success with his portraya...
Back when I knew how to make movies

If you liked Avatar you’re either a moron or.. no, you’re just a moron. I sense you’d be entertained by a Smurfs sequel or toys for children up to 5 years. And that argument of “it was visually awesome” is like saying to your friends she had a great body but couldn’t tie shoelaces.

Well good news for you, James Cameron will pollute the cinema world with 2 or 3 more Avatar sequels.

In a recent statement to the NY Times, James Cameron stated that he’s only in the Avatar business now and planning to make 2, 3 and possibly 4. Obviously this once-upon-a-time-ago great director is happy churning out more shit movies from a franchise that should never have been given life in the first place.

Let me channel what JC was actually thinking while uttering this threat to modern day cinema:

JC Voice: I’m only in the Avatar business now
JC Brain: I’m only interest in making movies that will earn me a shitload of cash, regardless of whether they’re aimed at stimulating the minds of children under 8 and adults that like pretty colours. I’ve essentially guaranteed myself  I’ll never have to worry about pesky things like plot, good character development and writing a script that doesn’t make semi intelligent people want to vomit.

JC Voice: These films allow me to say “everything” he needs to say about “the state of the world.”
JC Brain: I now have such a limited view of the world, that it can be only depicted by embarrassingly the most unimaginative creation in the history of film but hey, the kids might think about recycling and not mowing down forests that they’ll never visit.

JC Voice: But I’ll consider still making documentaries.
JC Brain: I know I’m going to get super bored, so what I’ll do is film myself doing really expensive things that will show that I’m quite an interesting guy and have real concerns about the planet. A shame it was that my trip to the bottom of the ocean didn’t help me find no new characters for Avatar 2 though.

JC Voice: I’ll probably make Avatar 2, 3 and possibly 4.
JC Brain: Damn, I hope this works out better than it did for Michael Bay. Transformers 2 and 3 sucked balls. Maybe after 4 movies, I’ll at least get one of these right and reacquire critical acclaim as I did with Aliens and T2. Fuck! Who am I kidding? I forgot… I’m a total hack now that lost my way a decade ago.

While this may seem like a hateful rant (and it is), what hurts the most is James Cameron is responsible for 2 of my favourite movies of all time and unfortunately 2 of my most hated movies of all time. Loved – Aliens and Terminator 2, Hated – Avatar and Titanic. I seriously sense that he has a split personality syndrome as the same man can’t make movies of such great variance.

Now that he’s only interested in cashing up, we get 3 more fucking Avatar sequels! Holy crap. I hear the sequel is due in 2016, that’s good I guess, I won’t have to kill myself for another 4 years.

Still complaining about the Oscars… one year on

Italiano: Stella di Meryl Streep sulla Hollywo...
No one comes close

Last year to the day, I was super annoyed that Inception didn’t win the Best Picture Oscar and hence through my rage, I started a blog to address this injustice in the hopes of starting a ground swell of public outcry to force the reversal of this decision. With a total of 3 readers rallying by my side, I couldn’t quite make this happen – sorry Leo my man.

Anyway, against the wisdom that I should employ in my daily life, I chose to watch the Oscars and found myself significantly less annoyed. I think I must be in a more apathetic place plus I think I’ve watched about 10 movies this year and can’t really cast an opinion on stuff I’ve not seen. To clarify, I saw one out from the nine movies nominated this year and that movie suck ass big fucking time. Guess.. anyone? The Tree of Life. Holy crap wasn’t this the most overated piece of confusing, mind bending and slow motion captured fluff ever made in the history of film? Surely with Brad Pitt and Sean Penn on hand, something signficantly more interesting could have eventuated (examples; se7en, 21 grams, fight club, carlito’s way).

So a few things I observed:

Jennifer Lopez is amazing for 42. I know everyone is currently obsessed staring at her nipples but damn she’s so pretty. I’ve come across this phenomena late in life (i.e. the last few years) and ashamedly discovered her watching Idol (there goes my one reader, dang it).

Billy Crystal should be forced to host every year till death. Sure he was corny at times but he’s leagues better than anyone else I’ve seen. After that dumb ass Cirque Du Soleil bit his “we’re a pony away from a bar mitzvah” line was funny, no? Am I the only one?

Meryl Streep is the greatest actor or actress of all god damn time (see The Deer Hunter). Name me a movie (be it great or not) where she sucked, one time..go on.. one time. That’s right MF, back off now.

I thought Nick Nolte was really good in Warrior. If you had to have an alcoholic father you could do much worse than Paddy Conlon (Paddy.. great name). And I get that a UFC based movie would never get nominated (snobs) even if it was like totally entertaining.

Why wasn’t The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo nominated for best film? Is wasn’t better than the horse movie. I really liked it and Rooney Mara was interesting – that rape scene was pretty rough to watch. By the way, if you’re sensitive to these types of scenes (and if you’re not, please stop reading and go find a bridge now) never, never watch Irreversable (still scarred).

I liked that Bret McKenzie (Conchords) won an Oscar for the Muppets (Best Song). Funny that there were only 2 songs nominated. I felt kind of the same way last year when watching Trent Reznor win last year. Guess they didn’t think much of the remade version of Immigrant Song with that chick from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs (see below).

 

Anyway, probably not the most comprehesive review of cinema’s night of nights but then I’ve spent most of my last 12 months addicted to what I’m feeling is the Golden Age of Television. In my opinion, there’s a lot better watching to be had with the likes of Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead, Sons Of Anarchy, Community, Homeland. These are better than an movies I’ve seen over the past year.

Trying to like Transformers 3, and 2, and 1

Cover of "The Transformers - The Movie"
When They Were Kings

Have you ever been on a date with someone that’s quite attractive and probably way out of your league? Naturally, you’re more focused on the excitement that said person is out with you in public (or her cleavage) and less so on the nagging suspicion you have that they lack substance, are generally dumb as shit and unfortunately not interesting enough to spend more than one evening with. This is how I feel about the new Transformers 3 movie (and the 2nd one as well). Note, this is my first fan boy type post…

I’m totally into to super sized, powerful robots battling on an epic scale that conveniently change form into cars and planes and cassette players (sidenote for the kiddies.. they’re like iPods from the 70’s and 80’s). As a kid and even now being a sentimental adult, I love Transformers and spent a good proportion of my childhood allowance (and begging parents) on securing 50+ mostly Autobots, watching the cartoons and then of course, the ultimate wish come true, experiencing the 1986 Transformers The Movie (cartoon that is). When Optimus Prime passes on the matrix to Ultra Magnus and dies, then fades into grey.. tears man, lot’s of tears. I’ll try to continue.

Oh yeah, the new Transformers movie/s. Good things… I like how they look in their non animated form, the visuals are kind of all there and very appealing, Optimus’ voice is right given that they used the same actor as the cartoon movie and Megatron benefits from Hugo Weaving’s vocals.. all good, every time Optimus pulls out his massive sword and starts dissecting Decepticons, all very good!

The bad, every very everything else. Here’s my shortlist.

Soldiers shooting at Transformers. I think collectively there’s a lot more screen time dedicated to cliche soldiers battling robots. Aren’t we supposed to be watching Transformers punching on with each other? Can humans really hurt skyscraper sized robot with mere bullets? Are the robot battling scenes that expensive that we couldn’t have more of these?

Shia La Bouf. Amusing in the first movie, annoying in the following movies (not that he’s had any great lines, story, plot etc to work with). How does his character realistically date super models? Plus a pretty average batting average if you take account of the Indiana Jones travesty he was in. Uncle Spielberg is just not the same director he used to be. You should have seen him in the late 70’s early 80’s son.

Story and plot. What fucking story or plot? Was this thing written by an adult or moderately eloquent 8-year-old? Dumb, super predictable and just endless, irrelevant scenes again NOT involving Transformers. e.g. Sam losing hot girlfriend, Sam’s parents are frisky, Buzz Aldrin wonders what this shit has to do with the moon landing, Frances McDormand, John Malkovich and John Turturro wondering, why am I in this movie.

Rosie Huntington Whitely. I thought (and am still 100% confident) that Megan Fox is/was/will always be a terrible actress. When Rosie H makes Megan look like a Julliard prodigy, Michael Bay should have stepped in and had her executed. I determined that she’d not previously spoken in front of camera before, I’d consider that a casting concern. She was excruciating for every second she was on film and her Botox filled expressions were unnerving.

Megatron was never meant to be a pussy. There was this scene where Rosie Hackington taunts Megatron to be a man (well, robot) and double cross Autobot gone bad Leonard Nimoy (also wasted) etc etc. He does exactly as her very poor acting was eluding too, then is dispatched way too easily in a matter of seconds by Optimus. My rewrite, lead female taunts Megatron – Megatron is pissed off – Megatron inserts lead female into mouth and chews delightfully – end scene.

Prime vs Megatron. This is all we really wanted to see. Think of it like the build up to similar to Obi Wan vs Anakin. All three movies failed to deliver to fans this one essential ingredient, the lead good guy vs the lead bad guy final battle scene. Epic to and fro struggle beating each other senseless, Prime near defeat, dying even pulls out a miraculous move by cleaving poor Megatron in two, heroic music, end. No further sequel required.