Dumb Places Dumb People Take You

Keep dogs on leash
Boyfriend on leash

Have you even been to an apple festival? Wow, you’ve not lived or actually you probably have lived and the it’s human fodder that are attending such a mindless, pointless and tragic event that are dying slowly on the inside. WTF am I talking about? Ok, I was recently reminded of a very ordinary (sub ordinary actually, almost humiliating)  day many years ago where an ex (and super happy that this person ended up being an EX) took me against my will to go to an apple festival in the country.

To put this into context, the nickname I bestowed on my ex (among my friends and anyone that would listen to my rants about how completely rubbish a of a girlfriend she was) was the temp. Unfortunately for me, this temping situation last for almost 2 years, 2 very miserable years of my life. Sigh, moving on.

This sad story begins back in the heady times of the late 1990s where the temp planned a day out that she’s was super excited about. Of course to make this more intriging (which normally meant more irritating), she kept this a secret from me, anticipating that when I actually found myself miles out in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by apples that I would be very excited. So I went along with the charade of feigning enthusiasm, jumping into the car and following her directions to the wherever the hell we were going place.  Note, we passed lots of wineries where I could have completely drowned my misery in alcohol on the way but she was insistent on getting to her destination.

We pass a billboard on the road advertising the Yarra Valley Apple Festival 1999 (I think) and I casually said to to her.. “who the fuck would want to go to an apple festival?” This was met firstly by a sigh, then some huffing and puffing and followed by an admission that this is was where I was driving toward. Feeling bad (but mostly for myself), I attempted to backtrack by saying something like, I was kidding and of course that would be fun. What annoyed me apart from the whole friggin situation of I’m going to an apple festival was that.. even after unintentially revealing my true feelings on the apple festival, that she was still excited about going, even though I wasn’t. I think this kind of represents where the relationship was headed.

So we get there and there are hundreds of people (I still don’t understand how) in attendance. After about 10 minutes I could see they were mostly hicks or girls with guys who were also forced against all reason to be there. What I’m I not telling you.. oh yeah, there were stalls of people selling apple products such as apples (surprise!), juice and I don’t know.. I stopped paying attention. All I could pay attention to was this voice in my head telling me if I was ever going to bail on someone for taking me somewhere really retarded, this was the place and she was the girl. In retrospect, I should have excused myself, got in the car, and left her with the other apple lovin’ folk. Being decent didn’t t pay as I endured countless varieties of apples on a god damned 1 hour tour of an apple plantation, crop or whatever.

Here’s me and what the temp should have known as to not even suggest such a place to me. I like heavy metal, watching bands, going to the football, movies and not spending time with her. I have nothing against apples but in the same way that I have nothing against road contruction.. still I don’t want to spend my afternoon watching workmen laying down road. I knew this marked the day in deciding to get outta of that relationship. This may have seemed harsh but if your partner of 2 years so doesn’t know you and can’t work out that you’d rather be savagely beaten then spend time in the country with his girl and a whole bunch o’ apples, then it’s time (as Bruce Buffer, famed UFC announcer would say).

Here’s the thing, we already spend our lives doing a lot of things we don’t want to, working, visiting relatives, doing housework, sitting on the phone with your mobile provider etc. When your precious weekends are violated continously by doing a whole bunch of things that you don’t like, reclaim them, be honest to your loved (or unloved in my case) one and proclaim, I’m not going to apple farm.. and have we met before?


Top Ten Reasons To End A Friendship

Hangman (game)
Sometimes.. you just got to let someone go

It’s a very worn out cliche but still rings true “you can pick your friends but not your family”. A shame that, as I’ve always found family members who could easily be dropped from the rotation – you know who you are.

Still, picking your friends doesn’t mean having to keep them for life, especially the dud ones that burn you one too many times. So here’s my shortlist of times when culling someone is required.

1) They are so incredibly opinionated and have never listened to anything you’ve ever said. This is often referred to as “my opinion is always the right one and I’m only interested in yours if it completely complies with mine”.

2) When you get together with your other friends to rant and back stab a particular shared friend that you collective despise. Discussions normally sound like “I seriously hate that so much, should we organise to have her brutally murdered”

3) When their agenda dominates everyone elses. Ditch someone who utters completely self absorbed bullshit like “Look I’m happy to meet up but only if I can get back by 8pm to do whatever, so like maybe we can all meet for dinner at say 4pm to accommodate me and my important life”.

4) When you spend time with this person and all you can do is imagine ways to brutalise them in the most heinous ways imaginable.

5) When you intentionally try to get into arguments, even for beliefs or opinions that you don’t truly believe in just so that you can disagree with them and hopefully make them cry.

6) When you start to actually visualise someone as incredibly malformed or disfigured because of your hatred. This means that you’re projecting your such ill feelings toward a particular person that you can actually change how you perceive them physically. Powerful.

7) If you’re say walking down say a narrow hallway and you don’t make the effort to move aside, colliding into them intentionally with your true intent to inflict harm. Once you want to actually hurt someone, I’d suggest the friendship is already over.

8) If you’ve thought about visiting their home to conduct a campaign of vandalism – burning hedges, spray painting their car, setting their house on fire etc etc

9) If you’re invited to the same event by mutual friends and can’t even be bothered coming up with an excuse not to go.. so you say things like “I’d really love to come but seriously, I seriously hate that , I’ll end up making a scene or something involving great violence”

10) When you’ve completely forgotten the reason that you became friends in the first place and think to yourself.. was I that desperate or just stupid to want to spend time with this incredibly obnoxious, overbearing and physically diminutive individual?