Top 10 Reasons Coffee Is Better Than Wine

Bags of coffee in São Paulo
Bags Over Barrels

A lot of people say they like wine, I’m sure a lot of them really do. I think there’s a lot more people who want to say they do because by not drinking/appreciating wine, they appear unsophisticated to whoever the hell they’re trying to impression. As a guys, I get trying to impress a girl with your appreciation of finer things, I’d be more impressed with someone who liked good music, movies or coffee than wine.

Coffee is better than wine because:

1) You will never come off looking pretentious tool i.e. drinking coffee doesn’t make you better than anyone else, wine lovers often give this vibe.

2) If you drink 2-3 cups a day, you’re not a raging alcoholic who beats your partner and can still operate machinery

3) A latte should cost you less than $4/$5. Trying buying wine under than price and tell me you still like it.

4) No one gets to be made to feel guilty by a snotty waiter to order a decent bottle of wine with your meal, which of course will cost you more than your meal.  I’ve never understood this, a good steak should cost more than wine.. hands down.

5) Coffee is not complicated. You don’t have to sniff (although coffee smells a whole lot better than wine), swirl it around in your glass and then mouth and explain its complex flavours, body blah blah. (wankers).

6) You don’t spit out coffee, unless it’s 100 degrees or made at McDonalds.

7) Coffee wakes you up while wine puts you to sleep (or when people talk about wine, I feel like I’m being put to sleep).

8) You eat breakfast with coffee. 9-10 times, if you find someplace that makes an excellent coffee, chances are your breakfast will be good as well. Only alcoholics put wine in their cereal.

9) You’ll never get dragged away on a very dull and completely pointless weekend away to tour coffee plantations. At a winery you have to pretend to be smarter than you are, buy a lot of wine because they’ve traveled hours to get there (so they might as well) and listen to wine makers rattle on about something that you’ll never remember or inevitability care about.

10) The number of road fatalities from coffee is – I’m going to guess closer to zero than wine related ones.


Top Ten Reasons To End A Friendship

Hangman (game)
Sometimes.. you just got to let someone go

It’s a very worn out cliche but still rings true “you can pick your friends but not your family”. A shame that, as I’ve always found family members who could easily be dropped from the rotation – you know who you are.

Still, picking your friends doesn’t mean having to keep them for life, especially the dud ones that burn you one too many times. So here’s my shortlist of times when culling someone is required.

1) They are so incredibly opinionated and have never listened to anything you’ve ever said. This is often referred to as “my opinion is always the right one and I’m only interested in yours if it completely complies with mine”.

2) When you get together with your other friends to rant and back stab a particular shared friend that you collective despise. Discussions normally sound like “I seriously hate that so much, should we organise to have her brutally murdered”

3) When their agenda dominates everyone elses. Ditch someone who utters completely self absorbed bullshit like “Look I’m happy to meet up but only if I can get back by 8pm to do whatever, so like maybe we can all meet for dinner at say 4pm to accommodate me and my important life”.

4) When you spend time with this person and all you can do is imagine ways to brutalise them in the most heinous ways imaginable.

5) When you intentionally try to get into arguments, even for beliefs or opinions that you don’t truly believe in just so that you can disagree with them and hopefully make them cry.

6) When you start to actually visualise someone as incredibly malformed or disfigured because of your hatred. This means that you’re projecting your such ill feelings toward a particular person that you can actually change how you perceive them physically. Powerful.

7) If you’re say walking down say a narrow hallway and you don’t make the effort to move aside, colliding into them intentionally with your true intent to inflict harm. Once you want to actually hurt someone, I’d suggest the friendship is already over.

8) If you’ve thought about visiting their home to conduct a campaign of vandalism – burning hedges, spray painting their car, setting their house on fire etc etc

9) If you’re invited to the same event by mutual friends and can’t even be bothered coming up with an excuse not to go.. so you say things like “I’d really love to come but seriously, I seriously hate that , I’ll end up making a scene or something involving great violence”

10) When you’ve completely forgotten the reason that you became friends in the first place and think to yourself.. was I that desperate or just stupid to want to spend time with this incredibly obnoxious, overbearing and physically diminutive individual?

Top Ten Reasons NOT To Hate Charlie Sheen

Hot Shots! Part Deux

Are you going to look me straight in the face (not that this medium really provides that facility) and tell me that you hate Charlie Sheen?

Why? Do you have a reason.. what’s he doing that directly affects your life? The choices he makes, crazy (and often hilarious) antics he engages in, awesome things he’s ranting, these things affect one person at the end of the day, Charlie Sheen, not you! So seriously get over it.

There’s a lot of hate out there for him. I’m sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that the mental and verbal filter that applies to pretty much everyone on this planet doesn’t apply to him anymore. He’s chosen to say what he thinks, when he thinks it, without contemplating or caring how people how they’ll react. Sometimes, don’t you wish you could do that? Sure it has consequences but seriously, I don’t think he cares that much. Newsflash.. neither should you.

10 reasons to stop hating this level 25 warlock who’s on a drug called “charlie sheen”

1) He hasn’t killed anyone: There’s a lot of people who have committed great acts of malevolence on society and deserve your hatred. Col Gadaffi for example, he’s a madman dictator that’s not going to be removed without a tonne of innocent bloodshed. Hate that guy instead.

2) He’s just being honest: I kind of touched on this already. He speaks without feeling the burden of consequence, it must be liberating. If you don’t like what he says, then stop listening. I don’t think he cares either way. For those that are enjoying his brutally blunt account of his world and his opinions, please leave us alone.

3) He’s smarter and definitely wittier than your average celebrity in meltdown mode: Much like say Robert Downey Jr, Charlie is still super switched on. He’s nuts but can still string eloquent (while being hyper vigilant), well thought out answers to questions from dumb ass reporters. You’d expect someone high on whatever he’s taking to be completely incoherently, shouting random words that don’t form complete sentences and stumbling around like a wasted homeless vagrant…. I haven’t seen this yet, neither have you.

4) Because you’re jealous or an ultra feminist: He lives with a hot porn star and some other chick who might as well be one. Nuff said.

5) Celebrating the downfall of some famous isn’t cool: There’s a fascination a lot of people have with watching people with high profiles self destruct while getting off from watching the process unfold. Like Mel Gibson and Britney Spears, there was this sense of “watch this.. it’s going to be awesome seeing him/her hit rock bottom”. What’s good about this? Why do people want to put $ on Charlie Sheen killing himself? It’s perverse.

6) Deep down, you still love Charlie Sheen: Admit it. He’s still charming, funny guy just like he was in Hot Shots 2. Sure he’s rougher around the edges and maybe not as subtle but he’s still be able to easily sweet talk your sister into a threesome with one of his porn star girlfriends.

7) Because if you really hated him, you wouldn’t be as super obsessed (as I am) as to what’s is happening with him every day. I swear, his strongest haters have all subscribed to his Twitter ‘tweets’

8) He’s a great actor (maybe not in 2.5 men, but I don’t really think that he’s fault) who’s got a lot more to give. Don’t believe me? Have you seen Platoon, Wall Street, Major League and of course the immortal.. Hot Shots 2? No, well then you don’t get to call him a shit actor. When he returns in some breakout acting role and picks up a well deserved Oscar, the haters can kiss his arse.

9) Because if you met him in real life, you’d forgot all the “I hate Charlie Sheen” crap, run up to him, say hi and ask for an autograph.

10) Is your life so empty and without reason that you bother spending time hating someone that you don’t know and more importantly doesn’t know or care about you? If so, Charlie Sheen isn’t the only one with problems.

Top 10 People Who Deserve To Die

Celine Dion performing "Taking Chances&qu...
The First One To Go

While everyone’s got good money on Charlie Sheen not making it say to the end of the month with his drug induced lifestyle and historic drinking binges, I’d question whether he actually deserves to die.. I can think of countless others I’d prefer to see get taken out.. so here’s my Top 10 List of People who Deserve to Die (no particular order), or if they’re already dead, should be resurrected and killed again.

1) Celine Dion. Do I need to spell this out? Untalented, super unattractive horse-like deformed sub human who is responsible for putting out the worst music of all time. Nuff said.

2) Kim Kardashian. She’s the reason that we as a society no longer have any shame. A celebrity no one that makes bad porn and essentially tells every little girl that you can be a prostitute and still earn $30M a year

3) Chung Ju-Yung (founder of Hyundai Motors) for being responsible for the world’s biggest piece of shit automobile range, especially the Hyundai Excel.

4) Whoever made Highlander 2, the worst sequel of all time proving that there should have only been one.

5) Caleb Bradham, founder of Pepsi who should have understood the futility of making a sub level version of Coke that tastes like cough syrup and for burning Michael Jackson’s hair.

6) Members of The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, for giving Forrest Gump the Best Film Oscar over Pulp Fiction. If Vincent Vega was a retard, maybe it would have been in with a shot.

7) Whoever told George Lucas to putting fucking Ewoks in Jedi.

EIGHT) The guy that pixelates Japanese porn.

9) Rick Ocasek, famine ridden lead singer of “The Cars” and creepy husband of the world’s most attractive supermodel, Paulina Porizkova.

10) The maker of Itunes, the world’s most un-user-friendly software that we’re all forced to use against our will.